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Kinfin's Movie Reviews (Potential Spoilers)

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Kinfin
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« on: June 12, 2015, 09:02:36 pm »

Okay, let's get this out of the way.

Fifty Shades of Grey... God damn fifty shades... fuck. Just... fuck.

Okay, so the book that made women everywhere read porn at work, at home, at school, and everywhere else got a movie adaptation and my god... So when I heard how popular this was and how it was making SnM popular, I had to at least take a peak and oh my god was the book awful. I could barely make it through the first couple of chapters. But then there's this movie adaptation...

God damn, this movie is just bad. It takes less than ten minutes for the movie to make Christian feel like a predator, which let's all be honest, he is. It's amazing how much domestic abuse and violence they slip into one eroge. This movie, and I assume the book too, show all the warming signs of a toxic relationship. ALL of them. He wouldn't sleep with her without a written contract. He refuses to sleep in the same bed as her. And let's not forget the fact that there's a double entente in every other sentence out of his mouth. Plus, as a dom, he should know that you never go into a BDSM relationship with someone green. That and how much of a stalker he is... how does someone show up everywhere so often that a woman can't go a day without seeing her? It's just creepy.

But that's just the problems I have with the sex. Let's look it as a movie shall we.

I get that Anna's supposed to be the average every woman, right? So why is she thin as a rail to the point where her ribs can be seen? And yet, whenever her clothes are on, I can't help but look at everything else in the room but her. God she's just the opposite of a main character. As for Christian... well, like I said. I get predator rather than male sex symbol every time he says a damn word. So that's casting.

Music... Okay, this movie's done a good job picking out good enough music for what's going on. All of it licensed, big name music, but that's what a western movie is. So that's one good thing. Good luck enjoying it though...

Acting... no. Just, I can't. This is awful. Anna has as much personality as the theoretical baby Kristin Stewart and the Slenderman in every scene that isn't a sex scene, which, i'll be fair, was bold of them to include in earnest in the movie (yes, the actors are actually having sex on the screen) but even the acting in those is bad as Anna's overly aroused at every touch. As someone who's actually had sex before, hell, as someone who's watched porn before, it doesn't matter how green a woman is, she doesn't react like that.

So, we've covered, story, cast, acting, and music. What's left... Pacing.

So, I didn't read the first book all the way through of course, but lucky me, I have Kloud, who red the first two before finally giving up with how bad they were by the third book, and she happened to tell me that the movie rushed things. It's cutting corners, making things faster. And that ruins a big part of what the book is trying to do in the first place. It's eliminating Anna's everywomanness by cutting nearly everything that she does with her life. Christian is literally in 95% of scenes while in the book, it was more like 60ish? Literally, everything shown in this movie is how they interact, which takes away from Anna's humanity.

So, what have we learned? Fifty Shades, the book and movie that made woman everywhere dream of leather and whips, is awful. Just. Awful. But then again, given that everyone here knew that, I suppose we should have expected it.

"So why Kinfin, did you watch this horsecrap if you knew it would be so bad?" I hear you asking. The answer is simple. PEOPLE DON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT. This is the same fucking reason I watched Frozen, but I was pleasantly surprised by that one. This one...god damn. If you see any copies of the book or movie, I encourage you to destroy them. Let us purge the world of these Fifty Shades of Stupid because honestly, nothing in the world that begins with the phrase 'Fifty Shades' is worth anyone's time. Nothing at all.
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Must...resist...creepy urges... too many witnesses... would look weird...

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