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My ultimate confession


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Miku the Fake Identity
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« on: November 25, 2014, 06:54:23 pm »

Why don't you ever talk about your personal life? We know very little about you ._.
I feel like the friendships that grew here really mean something to a lot of us.
....

I read these posts. I thought about the forum inactivity. I thought about how this community is on its last legs. After 5 years, I think it's time.

I was never real.

I was just really lonely. I wanted to imagine myself living a life that I would have preferred. I wanted to see how it feels like to be treated like the identity I assumed. Because I knew that I was stuck in the body I was born in, and I didn't like it. I really didn't like it. I wanted to die and wake up as a person that I could love myself as. But I was too scared to kill myself. So I wanted to at least pretend that I have good self-esteem. It worked.

The PPN community helped me ignore reality. Every time I logged onto PPN, I assumed this identity like it was second nature. Every. Single. Day. And it made me feel better. It brushed away my depression like a magic wand as long as I was conversing with people. I made an MSN account for this identity and talked to many PPN members on a daily basis, and it was like I was actually Miku. I was Miku. And the friends I made were Miku's friends. I liked them and they seemed to like me. I was happy. But then there were problems that reminded me of my reality. People asked for pictures of me. I couldn't talk to them over the mic. And it was depressing, because I felt so attached to these people. But from day one, I had been lying to them. They weren't real friends. And gradually, over time, the community slowly died, and now this is where its at. The magic isn't working like it used to.

Eventually I started having dreams where I thought I was this identity, and so did others in my dream. But when I looked in the mirror, I saw my real-life body. You can't imagine how I felt. It's like my brain was telling me, that no matter hard I try, I can't escape my real identity. No matter how hard I ignore it, it's always there. Always. They taught me a lesson that it's not good to try and ignore who I am, and that I should be honest with myself and learn to deal with it directly.

I swear on my life I won't do this again. Whenever I register for anything on the Internet, it will be my real-life identity. I will make friends, with my real-life identity. Friends, that are actually friends with the real me. I will never try to ignore my identity. I may never grow to like it, but I will accept it as me and accept the fact that it will be like that until the day I die.

I'm just a sad, mentally unhealthy person. Please don't track me down and expose me. It'll be the last blow to my self-esteem. I just wanted to feel better about myself.

I was the sole user of the 8account. I was also Miku. I'm so sorry.
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Zohaib
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« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2014, 07:47:12 pm »

Having a mask or something else doesn't matter to us, in the end we all liked you because of how you posted things, the person behind the computer.

You thought of those jokes, posts and various things that made us all laugh and enjoy your presence, it doesn't matter if miku, scarlet or someone else posted it, we where all laughing at the same joke, the joke the person behind the computer made.

Life is shitty in the way you can't choose who you want to be, I actually don't like being born muslim because it's an identity i didn't choose but i'm stuck with it forever. I guess I'mn a bad person because i'd rather ignore it than embrace it because I just don't like the portrayal of modern muslims, i dont want to be part of that crowd, that group of people. I really do wish I was a less overweight, white, man. But i don't have a choice. I try to embrace who I am and make my own story instead of letting labels get a hold of me.

I guess it might not be fully relevant to what your saying, but the point I was trying to make is that you where real, your personality is iconic of this site and community. Your a beautiful person underneath and the reason everyone here prys into eachothers business is because we are a family, or well used to be.

I completely agree the magic is gone, I only really stay here to talk to Starrk and some others, I can contact other people, like Aryeh or DAF, through other means.

I'm really bad at explaining this, I don't want to offend you or make things worse, but you don't have to be sorry.

I know it's corny but nobodys perfect, we wouldn't treat you any differently if you posted pictures or told us your backstory, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

the part about the mirror I can totally believe. I know I'm ugly, and I have low self asteem about my personal looks, but I try to go on my other merits, like my comedy and stuff.

The main point is, you don't have to be sorry about anything, you did nothing wrong. It's completely acceptable to do what you did, and if you continue or change it doesn't make you any less of a person. Nobody will track you down and expose you.

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« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2014, 08:18:13 pm »

If it were a few years ago, I'd have tanned your hide for being 8account. But the past's the past- nobody remembers who 8account was, but everybody remembers you.

As someone who also deals with mental health issues (depression, anxiety, and PTSD) on a daily basis, I can relate. Life's hard. Everyone wants someone to understand and accept them, someone to keep them company. Nobody wants to be truly alone. Be it through religion, friendship, or family, everyone looks for this. Don't apologize for being human. I did that myself for too long, and all it did was hurt.

Lots of people make fake identities on the internet. Hell, there's tons of jokes about it out there. It's that common. You doing it isn't rare, it's a common enough thing and honestly, every community the size that PPN was has at least a few 'fakers' out there. It's okay.

You're right, it's not healthy to pretend to be someone you're not. But you have you- even if you don't like it, there's nothing stopping you from changing things in your life. Work on what you CAN control and make things better for you. Your wit wasn't just something fake- like Ness said, you had to think of it and write it down. YOU.

I don't know about everyone else, but I'd be more than happy to accept the real you. Get to know you, support you, and be your real friend- if you want that. Because even if you weren't 'you' when we got to know you the first time around, you were and still are a part of our family. Even though it's smaller, I think that you'd be surprised how much we'd accept you- and I mean the real you.
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« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2014, 08:27:03 pm »

I second Kloud's statements. When I first joined internet with the name Kinfin, I decided that Kinfin would be confident and a little cocky. But eventually, both Dylan and Kinfin kinda bled into each other to the point where I am Kinfin and Kinfin is me. Like Steel said, you had to think things through yourself. It had to come from somewhere. And if that's really not even remotely your personality, then I would love to meet your real personality because I'm sure that it's just as pleasant a person.

A long time ago, you said your name was Scarlet. If that's true, then let's let Scarlet be Scarlet. And if it's not, then whoever you are, go right ahead and be you because I guarantee that we'll all love you just as much as we do now if not more.
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Must...resist...creepy urges... too many witnesses... would look weird...
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« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2014, 08:41:51 pm »

People still call me Steel, I used to hide my identity too. You're not alone.

Just like Kloud said, you can always change, you have control and you can make things better.
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« Reply #5 on: November 25, 2014, 09:56:14 pm »

....

Wait... I thought you were Kyouji-kun.
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Scarlet Spider
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« Reply #6 on: November 26, 2014, 06:03:26 am »

I kind of knew you were the 8account.  A few of us figured it out when it happened based on it knowing information they wouldn't have known about members (I don't remember which, it was ages ago) that one of us would have known and since the accounts was tracked to Australia, you were always a prime suspect.  Five years down the line, it's ancient history so whatever lol.  These days it's one of those things where you look back and laugh, rather than get annoyed.  I remember most of the PPN controversies rather fondly because everybody did bond together to get rid of the "threats" and it reinforced the "team" we all had.

Anyway, when it comes to identities online.  Well the way a person conducts themselves isn't the same in every place they go, so unless they are alright making lies about everything, then they are just using a different aspect of themselves.  How I am online has varied in my own experiences but who I am here now is definitely a part of me; if anything I continue who I am here a more real me than irl because I have a much better handle on things. 
   If this persona is who you wanted to be, then it's a part of you and thus you.  A personality may have parts of it be automatic, but there are parts it that are a person's choice.  If you chose this way to act, then it's part of your history and the collective that makes you who you are.  People then can understand why online you only show one aspect of yourself and perhaps look forward to you showing more sides to yourself in the future.  Having a username is like a nickname; it doesn't always replace the identity itself, it merely masks the name of it.  I know a lot of people on here would like to see more of who you are. 
   If you wish to leave though, well that's beyond our control and while others would be disappointed, I'd understand because this place is unfortunately a shadow of what it once was.
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My country lay within a vast desert. When the sun rose into the sky, a burning wind punished my lands, searing the world. And when the moon climbed into the dark of night, a frigid gale pierced our homes. No matter when it came the wind carried the same thing... Death. But the winds that blew across the green fields of Hyrule brought something other than suffering and ruin. I coveted that wind, I suppose. It can only be called fate... That here, I would again gather the three with the crests... That I should lay my hand on that which grants the wishes of the beholder... That when power, wisdom, and courage come together, the gods would have no choice but to come down... The power of the gods... The Triforce! He who touches it will have whatever he desires granted!
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« Reply #7 on: November 26, 2014, 01:55:59 pm »

Who the fug is 8account? 

>implying we all dont do the same so things we say online wont haunt us in real life


Anyways, I wouldn't be using your real name online cuz theres a lot of creepers online and since you're a girl (I think your a gril?) it probably wont end well for ye.
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« Reply #8 on: November 26, 2014, 06:57:32 pm »

Who the fug is 8account? 
A few years back on PPN during late 2008/early 2009ish, there was an account that joined called "Oran Berry" and we thought nothing of it, then a bunch of other people who were "his friends" started to show up.  Eventually they decided they would share an account, which is when we figured something fishy was going on.  The account started posting weird shit and talking about gross things and children doing not so nice things... Then an account called Acid Freak joined and was talking about drugs and was being a jerk to people.  The whole thing escalated and eventually it stopped and the accounts all got banned iirc.  That isn't really the full story because yeah it was a while back and I don't remember all the details fully.  We figured the whole thing was likely one person and saw that the accounts all came from Australia.  People would say that they suspected Miku, but like we decided to just drop it because we never had actual confirmation.  The whole thing was weird, but tbh not even the worst thing that happened to the site.  If it was a few years back, people would have been annoyed with her but it's been so long that we don't really care anymore.
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My country lay within a vast desert. When the sun rose into the sky, a burning wind punished my lands, searing the world. And when the moon climbed into the dark of night, a frigid gale pierced our homes. No matter when it came the wind carried the same thing... Death. But the winds that blew across the green fields of Hyrule brought something other than suffering and ruin. I coveted that wind, I suppose. It can only be called fate... That here, I would again gather the three with the crests... That I should lay my hand on that which grants the wishes of the beholder... That when power, wisdom, and courage come together, the gods would have no choice but to come down... The power of the gods... The Triforce! He who touches it will have whatever he desires granted!
Pull List: Justice League, Justice League United, Secret Wars, New Avengers
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« Reply #9 on: November 26, 2014, 09:30:38 pm »

It was confirmed that it was Mike via IP address back on PPN. I remember there was a long discussion about it on the mod boards and if I remember right Mike said it was her cousins and apologized, and since nothing else ever happened afterwards we decided it'd be best to let it go.

In other words, not important anymore. Gotta say, I wish Mike would come and see our posts. I wish her/him could see that we're here for them.

It kinda hurts because as someone who's been in the same boat with depression and all, I want to help. So much. I want to be there for Miku. ...eck, I don't like all this heavy talk.
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Miku the Fake Identity
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« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2014, 09:01:15 pm »

Thankyou, everyone <3

Reading the replies really touched me; I started tearing up.

I was completely expecting posts showing outrage and it wasn't like that at all. I really didn't think the replies would be this nice and calm.

I really do appreciate the offers to accept me as the person that I really am. I really, really do.

But I don't feel comfortable starting up fresh, with this whole fake identity linked to me as 5 years of history.
Besides, not trying to be rude, but as Aryeh said, this place is a shadow of what it once was.

The very least I can do, is tell you guys a bit about who I really am.

I'm a male of asian descent. I've spent a lot of time disgusted at the fact that I'm asian and wishing I was white.

I'm 19 years old, I've repeated the last year of school, and as a result I've only just completed school 17 days ago unlike my peers.

I was addicted to marijuana for 2 years; I smoked it on a daily basis. I then cut down on it greatly and smoked it regularly but less of it, for about 8 more months.

As of 5 days ago, I've completely stopped it. I feel good about that.

I aim to study biomedical science in university, however the exam scores are coming out on Dec 15, so until then, there's not much that can be done other than waiting.

I've lived quite the unhealthy lifestyle, spending a lot of time smoking weed, eating junk and sitting in front of the computer. But I intend to make a change in that, as yesterday I signed up to a gym and had a workout, and intend to go there roughly every second day with my best friend, who used to be my stoner buddy for 2 years but is now clean.

Today I have my first shift at Subway in .. a very long time. I requested the managers to not give me any shifts while I have school on, and I'm done with school now, so yeah. Eat Fresh.

When I first joined PPN, I was suicidal as hell. I hated my life, and I convinced myself that if I die, I'll wake up in a better world. A world where I wasn't a stupid asian. That illusion really reinforced my motivation for suicide. PPN was amazing at distracting me from negative thoughts. It wasn't long after I re-registered on the site as this identity I decided to call "Miku" after the Vocaloid. I won't lie; pretending to be a girl was very, very fun. It was so much easier to attract positive attention. And feeling a false sense of femininity made me feel happy.

Conversing with people as Miku just made me happy and was a great distraction, so that motivated me to make an MSN account and begin talking to many members on a regular basis. I did that for a long time, and it made many nice memories.

Over the span of 3 years, I've gone from being an unhealthy drug addict with no motivation to achieve anything positive, both for my future and my mental and physical health and no intention to stop smoking, to a person that has that has a will to achieve a medical qualification, stay away from drugs and become more physically fit.

This community has made many memories that I hold dear to my heart. I remember spending many hours up at night posting in the Silent Room and waiting for the other Silent Room regulars to post. I remember Darkness Unleashed winning a Pokedollar lottery after he already had the most Pokedollars by far. I remember Splosh making everyone great signatures. I remember Wes and Kloud being lovey dovey. I remember the Xat boxes. I remember TimF putting up real-life rewards on the Shop. I remember chatting on the ToT frequently. I remember seeing everyone's faces on the "What Do You Look Like" thread. I remember my beloved Anime Thread. I remember..

Wes. Shihen. Aryeh. Lightball. Nico. Eric. Utau-chan. Yui-chan. Zohaib. Milky. Rey. Ian. James. Silver. Sakashi. Linear. Loomy. Aiden. Parrot. Triple Threat. Daniel. Rushy. Starrk. Kloud. DU. Emmy. Abby. Orgo. Fivex. Breakdanz. Kokecrack. Vlatko. Sammy. Sato. Sabo. Rosim. Avery. Splosh. Airavon. Lx7. Sho. Shroom. SirPlatina. Kinfin. Richie625. Unique. Magoo. Tobi. Cesar.

Oh and Blake Duncan.

I've never loved a community as much as I loved PPN. No other online community can even remotely compare with how much I loved it. I loved it so much.

If it's okay with you guys, I ask one favor. I want you guys to name any PPN regulars that I didn't list.
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« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2014, 09:31:58 pm »

it's dancun not duncan.


>asian
>going into the medical field


Way to break those stereotypes m80
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« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2014, 09:38:14 pm »

Nice to see we helped you as a whole.
The community helped me a lot too during hard times.
Though it never was that bad.

I don't mind whichever identity you use as long as you keep coming back to the animu thread.
This thread needs you!

Also...
Give me back all the times I fapped to you! XD
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« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2014, 09:50:59 pm »

Right back at ya, cowboy.

I love all of you, from day one. I know I wasn't as close as I am to you guys, but the ones I kept in touch with I text. I haven't texted Starrk in a while, so I'm gonna now, lol. But you all were like a second family to me as well. I felt shit, and going here made me think of the same thing. Escaping reality, a lot of forums do that since you go from reality to this geek-world that you fall in love with. I still try to come on every forum I'm on, especially since I recently became single again lel. The point is, life is an ebbing tide. Comes, goes, and comes back. That's what everyone practically is. :3 I love you all. Never forget that just because there is harshness outside, there IS always someone that cares, be in front of a computer screen or not. We care. We call each others friends, acquaintances, "people we know," there's a bond there. Be it across the world or down the street.
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« Reply #14 on: November 27, 2014, 09:55:30 pm »

I'm glad that you saw the PPN community as an escape from your reality. It's always nice to have somewhere to go to when real life is getting a little harsh. But, most of all, I'm glad that you're able to accept the real you. This sounds cliche, but at the end of the day, no matter how much you run away from reality, it will always catch up to you.

During the MSN days, I had much fun talking to you and everyone else, although you claim that the "you" during those days was just a mask you put on. The way I look at you will never change, even after reading this confession of yours. In fact, I applaud you for making a positive change in your life instead of forever hiding behind a fake identity that you created in order to escape from the real you.

After all, this is the Internet. Why should the identity of someone I know only by a username bother me? What matters to me is that you had great memories with a community that is like a family to you and that you were inspired by this community to accept your reality.
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